Glamour.com says that Friends with Benefits, or FWB, is a hookup with no strings attached between two people who genuinely like and trust each other.
While I agree with Glamour.com’s blog about Friends with Benefits, I would like to add more to the definition.
Glamour says, “like and trust each other.” This is so far from the truth. Friends with Benefits is often a hookup with minimal connection and very little trust, mixed with an intense carnal desire to smash the sh_t out of each other.
In the BET show Being Mary Jane, MJ has what she calls a, “cut buddy.” A cut buddy is another word for Friends with Benefits (or just benefits). She calls him whenever she has an urge to have her needs fulfilled with no obligation whatsoever while entertaining men she claims to love. Moreover, her relationships all seem to be dysfunctional messes.
MJ’s cut buddy is a proverbial di_k in a glass.
As I mentioned earlier, there’s a minimal connection (mentally and emotionally). Additionally, the trust level is based on safe sex practices and that’s about it. They don’t really know each other—and there’s no true bond beyond the bedroom.
The tie-that-binds is a velvet rope.
Protect Your Energy
A phrase I use quite often—and it doesn’t always mean delete toxic people from your social media friends list. By the same token, listening to negative music, reading negative posts, and viewing imagery that is the opposite of what you want can subliminally impact the way you view the opposite sex.
I always hear people say… “it’s entertainment.” Oh really?
The first thing we need to understand is that we cannot become consciously aware of subliminal stimuli even if we look for it. Absolute threshold is defined as the lowest level of stimulus we can detect, be it visual, auditory, or sensory, etc. When an external stimuli falls below ATL, it cannot be detected consciously. The second thing we need to understand is that subliminal perception is believed to be a result of a deliberately designed communication technique aimed at generating a response so that people will do things they wouldn’t ordinarily do. In short, both the perception and reaction to subliminal messages happen at the subconscious level.
In other words, what you think is simple entertainment (sex) is impacting you on a subconscious level. Subliminal messaging preys on your ignorance. Friends with benefits live in your subconscious generating energy that isn’t conducive to your overall goal of a relationship. To take it a step further…
Friends with Benefits isn’t intentional.
The Addiction is Real
I’ve always agreed with the idea that what you “put in” will also be what you “put out.” An example of this would be food. If you eat junk like cookies, chips, and candy the output will be a body that underperforms. Comparatively, if you say you want a relationship or marriage, but you’re having random sex, that’s not a part of your goal. In turn, it will not help you reach your goal. To make matters worse, friends with benefits are the bag of Lays chips you can’t put down. As a result, the output after exhaustion or the residual effect will be a sort-of subliminal unintentional energy.
Not to mention, good sex is highly addictive. It’s friggin’ hypnotic. You will find yourself hooked like a fish unable to pull yourself free. Or, walking around like a mummy moaning, staggering and blind—unable to see the obvious. Late for work, kids waiting on you to make their Lucky Charms, hair messed up, skirt on backward. All for that moment of pleasure.
Of course, we’ll make excuses for the chance at even more random sex.
It’s just sex
I can multitask
But, you want a serious relationship right? Friends with benefits aren’t intentional towards that goal. It’s a distraction.
There are some that can compartmentalize sex. It’s just a moment for them. However, most of us do not have this robotic superpower. Sex is an emotional connection and bond with our partner. Equally important is the fact that while it may just be sex at the beginning for some, it will eventually become more than that. Someone will start catching feelings.
Furthermore, even if you had casual sex when you were younger—you’re older now. Being intentional is everything. You’re more mature. You don’t get super drunk, no more late club nights with 1 hour of sleep knowing you have to go to work in the morning…
…no more random encounters with people you don’t have a long term plan with for the sake of satisfying a momentary-fleeting pleasure. Eventually, after your heart rate has dropped, the sweat has dried, and you hear the door close, you will come down off of Mt. Everest, realizing you are by yourself yet again.
Waves are characterized by several distinct behaviors. One behavior is interference. Waves will combine with each other, causing interference. There are two types of interference. Constructive interference is when two or more waves combine, and the amplitude of their resultant wave increases. Destructive interference is when two or more waves combine and the amplitude of their resultant wave decreases.
Comparatively, relationships are eerily similar to waves.
A Constructive relationship that is intentional (wants long term commitment) increases in energy. A Destructive FWB relationship or “situationship” in which a person is settling for the bare minimum, decreases in energy.
Additionally, some of us cannot give our energy away so recklessly in a FWB of relationship. Otherwise, we’ll unintentionally attach or connect our energy to the other person like a leech. Meaning, the other person will take a piece of our energy every time we have sex with them. As a result, we become weaker, distracted, and we’ll be drawn to them in an unintentionally Destructive way because they are holding onto [our] energy. Some people call this “soul ties.”
In any event, you must truly understand your emotional limits and your capacity to handle a sexual relationship.
Find Your Wavelength
In other words, Stay in Your Lane.
Given the above points, friends with benefits does have its pros for the person that understands where they are in life and what they need.
However, if your goal or intention is to find a suitable partner for marriage or long term commitment, then a Friends with benefits relationship doesn’t align with that goal. In either case, choose wisely, and don’t lower your standards because you can’t resist your baser instincts and primal urges.