For the majority of my dating life, I’ve been told that the pursuit of a woman is what a man is supposed to do. He should show his interest consistently, and in many cases, he should be persistent even when she rejects him. Additionally, he should call her, invite her out, plan dates, pay for dates, and the list goes on. Until now, I never questioned these rules of pursuit. I just flowed with the status quo.
In short, I fell into a never-ending spiral of dating that a lot of men succumb to. Feeling used up when she says…
I just want to be friends
Or, you find out the woman you thought you were exclusively dating is seeing other men in the same fashion.
Unrequited effort and reciprocation from women happens to a lot of men—and no we never get used to it. No one person should have to endure rejection and constant weary legs from the pursuit of another.
I began to realize that dating (like a relationship) is a partnership.
Time to Update Your Dating Software
As an example, historically speaking, a man will fall in line and pursue a woman endlessly until she finally gives in and decides to date him. His advances could be met with rejection or her playing coy and acting as if she’s uninterested. Furthermore, he could even be friend-zoned on his quest to make this woman his girlfriend. Yet, as men, we persist because we’ve been socialized and told since little boys to believe, “it’s our job because we are the male.” Similarly, women have been socialized to believe a man should pursue them regardless of what era that “rule” or “ideal” was originally conceived.
Up to the present time, women have enjoyed the luxury of the pursuit of men. Not having to deal with the rejection, intentionally being given the wrong phone number or the anxiety of the approach. Not to mention, an irritable demeanor when being respectfully petitioned.
It’s also important to realize, men and women are accustomed to gradual change over decades. This gives you time to adjust. However, we went from version 2.0 (traditional dating) to 10.0 (modern dating) in what feels like less than 60 seconds.
As a result, some women (70s-90s babies) are having trouble adjusting to the drastic update in dating software.
You Can’t Handle the Truth
Most of us know the famous exchange between Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson in the movie A Few Good Men. When presented with pressure and persistent questioning from Lt. Daniel Kaffee (Cruise), Col. Nathan R. Jessep (Nicholson) ultimately folds and says…
You want answers? You can’t handle the truth!
In other words, the truth is that the minds of men are changing and some women can’t handle this inevitable reality. These men are not devolving as some women say. They are thinking outside cultural and societal norms.
Do women have to accept it? No. Always do what works for you and yours because there will always be men that are traditional—and match your relationship style. By all means, wait it out. Keep those traditional standards if you feel like they will work for you. I implore you to do so. Why? Because I’d rather you wait for a good fit versus settling on a relationship that will conclusively fail.
Keep in mind, there is immense power in having an open mind.
I recently got together with a group of men and asked them… “how do you feel about the pursuit of a woman in regards to dating?”
Jay, I used to be old-school until I got used up by women over and over again. I prefer to date one women at a time, not serial date. I always go out of the way like regular calling, purchasing things, taking the women them out and all that. But it todays women seem so entitled to my benefits. Jay, who I am is a gift. No woman is entitled to what I have to give. They expect you to pay for everything AND go after them while they cake and spend nothing. Meanwhile they’re smashing some other dude for free. I’ve started to do meet-ups, meet & greets, and tell women upfront, I expect you to get involved in this. Sometimes, it offends women or runs them off. I honestly don’t care. Saves me time and money. — Jason
Man, my mother taught me to love myself. This means, don’t let any woman take advantage of me or use the, “I’m a woman, you’re a man” excuse to shame me into doing everything. I’m tired of dating, but most of all I’m tired of these women that say they’re bosses, progressive, and making money. But in the same sentence say they want a man to pay for most, if not all the dates and pursue them because they are the prize. Honestly Jay, my fallback game is strong and since I started putting my foot down my dates have diminished drastically and I’m ok with that. I’m just not into chasing women and it seems like they want to be selectively traditional only when its convenient or when that bills comes. — Marquis
I’m going to very real with you here and every time I’ve said this around women they say… “you shouldn’t be dating all these ho_s.” First off, I date one women at a time. I’m very selective. But I’m not my father or grandfather trying to prove myself to a woman. These women want you to chase them. They act like the’re not interested in you or they give you just enough for you to keep coming at them like a bag of Lays.
Meanwhile, they are entertaining multiple dudes and playing the same game with them. They love the attention. Point blank! If you don’t get involved, meaning call me sometimes, initiate calls, sponsor dates like me, come up with ideas, I’m out! Back in the day men did sh_t for women blindly because that’s how they were taught by the people around them. I’m not the one. Man, half of the women I know are making more than me and I make good money! But they don’t want to get involved in the dating process. They want you to assume all the risk, do all the work and show pursuit. I’m good on all that. I’d rather sit at home and watch the game. — Jackson
I’m cool with it as long as she reciprocates my advances. But she shouldn’t act like I’m supposed to do it. Like I owe her something because she’s a woman. — Miguel
Conform or Nah?
When I say, “Pursuit When Dating Isn’t Just For Men Anymore” I’m pointing out the fact that women need to be aware that some men want women to get more involved in the dating process.
Being constantly passive and coy doesn’t work here.
That being said, based on the personal accounts of men, numerous conversations and forums on this topic, they are not advocating for a woman to chase or pursue them without being the leader first. They want to level the playing field which puts more accountability on women. In addition, they want women to be proactive, and show investment in the dating process. Plan dates, show interest other than a wink, like of a photo or passively responding to phone calls.
Men are starting to realize they are equally as valuable in the dating process and deserve the same amount of effort they are giving. — Lucas
All things considered, the pursuit of a woman/man is a mutual journey that takes a certain amount of humility, understanding, commitment, focus, selflessness and purpose…
Just like courtship.