"Let's talk about sex baby... let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things, that may be."
Salt N' Pepa
You know the song and the hook. And most of us know exactly what they were talking about. Sex.
The good? The pleasure of sex. The anticipation of sex.and most of all, the experience of connecting with someone on that level.
The bad? Broken promises, emotional distress, insecurity, co-parenting and resentment. To name a few.
So, what do you do when you meet someone you have a ton of chemistry with? And not just chemistry… but, “sexual attraction.” And of course when you first see them, in your mind you’re undressing them with your eyes. Then, reality kicks in and you realize you haven’t even gotten past 5 minutes of conversation with them. But that attraction is strong and it’s almost deafening like delicate but muffling cotton balls. You’re thinking…”what the hell happened to that 24 hour antiperspirant?” Heart pounding like a Florida A&M drum solo, you try to focus, you try to count potatoes, but it isn’t working. The blood is flowing to all the wrong places and it’s tough to focus your thoughts. It feels like hard, warm steel masked by blue denim. And you beg silently for them to turn off that air conditioner, because what was once an illusion becomes stiff protrusions that take place at the wrong time. The attraction is strong. And guess what? It’s mutual.
So now what?
Well… now you’re in trouble. So what do you do? Do you wait to have sex? Or do you just flow and let things happen organically? Or do you stick to your preconceived, time-based rules that come from past experiences, media and outside opinion? What works better? Do you just enjoy them, the endless laughs, the constant flirtations and displays of affection that are clearly leading to more once the date reaches its conclusion?
Some say… “I need rules to keep me grounded and on track.” Me?
I say, flow with it.
So no sex rules?
When you restrict the flow of the river, it can go places it’s not intended to go. Is this a fool-proof plan? No way. Nothing is a sure-fire win. There are always upsets. So no matter what you do, you’re taking a risk. But success favors the bold, and the bold are the most prominent figures in our society. Playing it safe and governing your life by rules isn’t always the way. Sometimes you have to realize that no matter how much you try to control the outcome, in the end, it will always happen the way it is supposed too. Sometimes it may just take longer than normal to show itself. But it’s coming. Good or bad. We can’t escape the outcome.
So I should just date organically?
Yes! I firmly believe in, “the flow.” Organic conversation as well as sexual encounters. However, there are definitely pitfalls to this process. But at least it’s natural, not forced or restricted. And what has artificial waiting gotten you anyway? Think about it. You’re still single. So why not try something new. Flowing doesn’t mean you will have sex on date #1. It simply means, things will progress at a natural pace and go in a fluid direction. Letting the universe dictate what happens.
Have you tried the 90 day sex rule?
I have personally done both. Waited and taken it there in a more organic fashion. I prefer the organic fashion to the time-based process. For me, when I base my relationship decisions on rules that were in place before I met then new person I feel like I’m not giving the relationship a change to grow at its own pace. I am also letting my past dictate my present and future. Sometimes learning from the past is a good thing. But using the past to assess someone who is brand new to you isn’t fair and doesn’t give them the chance you may have given someone else before them.
You should never change who you are because of someone from the past.
However, sometimes we get drunk on the idea of love and move feverishly into the process without thinking. I won’t say…”too quickly” because again, I don’t navigate based on time. I do believe that’s where time-based dating comes from. Fear. Afraid of being hurt. You should never enter dating with your wall up (although people do it all the time and wonder why it doesn’t work out).
Raise your awareness
Time-based dating also comes from people being too anxious, and not really looking at the fact that you two are not meant for each other. The signs are always there. We just have to acknowledge and own them. It’s not sex… it’s a lack foresight.
So, about this 90 day sex rule
Yes… the 90 day sex rule. You know the rule where a woman places a man she’s dating on a probationary period where he must prove himself worthy to get the cookies. Nothing is more laughable to me, because if men started doing that, you’d see a stampede that would make the “Running of The Bulls,” look like a morning stroll to get your Fitbit steps in. The promise of grandeur when 90 days finally arrives should motivate right? In a lot of cases, men are not having it.
But I heard this 90 day sex rule works!
But does this rule really increase the success rate of relationships? I’d love to see the numbers. But just guessing, It probably doesn’t. This process seems like a rusty, serrated vetting tool missing a few teeth.
There are have been times where waiting to have sex actually worked. Some cases where people waited even longer than 90 days. But those people waited until marriage. There’s nothing wrong with that, at-all. However, believing that a sex rule will lay the groundwork for a successful relationship is pure folly. No matter what you, wait, or otherwise, failure can occur. It’s the risk you take for love. So why not just let it flow?
So what should I do?
I don’t believe the 90 day rule is the way. Sure, it may weed out some of the unsavory men that only want your loins. But remember,
“a man with a plan will beat a 90 day rule every-single-time.”
At the end of the day, I say, do what works for you. But don’t base your decisions on what works for other people. Bases your decision on how things are flowing between the two of you. Don’t walk into the dating phase with preconceived rules or restrictions that decree what direction your relationship will go in. Dictating and controlling your new relationship rarely works and progressively alienates the other person involved.
Drop your guard and raise your awareness. Make sound decisions, but don’t go in wearing a shiny suit of armor.
Let go, and let it flow.