Can't I have both?
Ever since I was able to conceptualize ideas of a family I’ve wanted to have a wife and kids. Despite having no male example, the idea of a baby and supporting a family didn’t scare me at all. In fact, I believe the lack of a traditional family and growing up without my siblings has definitely inspired me in some peculiar way.
Having a baby was an experience that I truly wanted with my wife. I’d seen my siblings all have children outside marriage, and while they did an excellent job with my nieces and nephews(and I know that wasn’t their intent), having kids out of wedlock just didn’t work for me.
The last 15 years I’ve compromised my principles. Having a baby not once, but twice before marriage. It was not my plan, but it’s what happened despite the best intentions and precautions.
However, a lifelong dream of mine was to have two boys and two girls. I got two boys. Now I want my wife and two girls (or one) at least.
I’m highlighting the last 15 years because I was engaged over that time period. We had major plans to have kids and live this great life. That didn’t work out but my dream persisted. My dreams work that way. I never give up on them despite circumstance or obstacles. I always feel like I can achieve them. Getting married and having a baby (at that time) was still very real for me even after a failed relationship.
The Hard No
Since that relationship, I’ve had two sons, but I still wanted my baby girl(s). Over that time period, I have met numerous women that had potential. In some cases, they didn’t have kids at all. Sounds perfect right?
I’ve lost count, but the typical woman I ran into over that time period either didn’t want kids (past 35 years old). Or, she had kids and didn’t want anymore. I even met some dream stealers that said,
Why do men over 40 always want kids?
She was adamant about that question. Apparently, all the prior men she dated all wanted kids from her. This was a trigger for her. On the other hand, she [told] me to make a decision. No more kids were popping out of her vagina (that was a loose interpretation). To be fair, she had two kid having their own personal issues. One was an adult and the other was a pre-teen. She was age 43 and established in a career. Having more kids was not remotely in her plans. Needless to say, this was someone I had known for some years, so we had a history. None of that mattered to me. Back when we were first together, there were talks about having kids — but this was years later and things had changed for her. I couldn’t swallow that reality and we parted ways.
The Medical Issue
This particular young lady was ready to have as many babies as I wanted. So why didn’t we get married and do it? We got very close and learned a lot about each other. One could say we were on our way to marriage at the pace we were going. There were twists and turns throughout our relationship, and then we found out she may have a high-risk pregnancy because of other issues. Of course, I said, forget it, you are worth more than a baby. Despite that fact, I couldn’t help but think that I’m once again in a position where I have to choose between having a baby and love. Why do I always have to choose? Can’t I have both? The wife and the baby.
At this point, I start feeling like I should give up on the dream.
This shit is for the birds, the bees and the trees.
Ever meet someone that is perfect for you but they are logistically inconvenient? I ran into someone just like this. With my career, her children and the father of said children being fully present in their lives (and living miles from them), getting married and having more children just didn’t work for us without major sacrifices. In addition to all that, she lived in another state. We talked about every possible option that might work. Came up with a bunch of scenarios. In the end, we left it up to the fates. During our time, she said that I may have to decide between my needs vs my wants. She was aware that I always talk about that, and used it against me. In spite of those tactics, I couldn’t get mad… she was right. I may have to choose between having a baby and love (again).
Don’t Have Any, Don’t Want Any
Over those 15 years, I kept running into the wrong situation.
I once met a woman that was funny, established and we had great chemistry and synergy. The problem? She was young. I’m talkin’ 30 and didn’t want kids at all.
Not a snowball’s chance in hell.
Not happening kid.
Furthermore, any mention of having kids inspired teeth-grinding and a side-eye like you’ve never seen before. She didn’t even want a man that had kids. So I was dead in the water without a paddle, some floaties or a life preserver.
The last woman was older. She waited until I developed feelings for her to tell me she couldn’t have kids. This was of course after I told her how badly I wanted more. Initially, she was all for it. Acting as if she could have kids the entire time. Then when she tells me having kids is an impossibility for her, she also follows that up with…
Hopefully this isn’t a deal-breaker for you.
The hell? (exit stage right)
The Dream Deferred
I’ve come to realize that you can’t get too caught up in your plans so much that you remove your flexibility.
Plans can be changed, adjusted, or discarded for the one you love. Or, (if you have patience) like a friend of mine who waited for her man to come around. He eventually did, and she’s about to have a baby very soon.
I’m not saying you should give up your dreams of having a baby (I haven’t). I’m saying that diligence is key. The person that doesn’t want to have a child with you may not be the one for you. Furthermore, it isn’t just about having a baby, it’s about long term compatibility in parenting styles and love. There are so many dynamics that come into play before a baby is considered and conceived
In any event, take your time and choose wisely.