If you haven’t read Trends That are Hurting Your Relationships Part I, click here.
That being said, another trend is the glorification of one’s ability to cut people off. I call this “cut off culture.”
Some wear “cut off queen” as a badge of honor. At the same time, while it makes them feel confident with a dash of arrogance it actually results in broken a cycle of broken relationships.
How This Hurts Relationships
We say we want a partner that communicates and expresses their feelings, or someone who will grow and build with us. However, our actions say otherwise. We are cutting people off before having the chance to do any of these things.
Cutting people off is a cop-out instead of having to do the hard work in relationships. Here are some things you avoid when you’re quick to cut people off.
You will never build a healthy relationship if you do not learn how to communicate with another person.
Rather than learning how to communicate, you cut someone out of your life. You can’t glorify cutting off people and think you’re going to build a long relationship.
Avoids Problem Solving
Having the cut off mindset usually removes people from our lives for things that could probably be resolved.
Rather than work together to resolve the issues in your relationship, you cut that person off and move on to the next.
We tend to assume our thoughts and feelings are right. So we interpret someone’s behavior as negative and we cut them off.
You’re training your brain to scan for negative situations, cut someone off, and play the victim.
It’s easier to place blame for a failed relationship attempt on someone else rather than ask how we contributed to its failure.
Avoids True Commitment
How are you ever going to build a relationship where you both have the skills and desire to commit for the long haul if you are always so quick to cut people off?
Your cut off mindset is building a belief that people are expendable and can be discarded without a second thought. Furthermore, you are going to constantly look for reasons to cut someone off rather than reasons to commit to them.
You will find yourself constantly recycling people, moving on the to next, and repeating the same behavior.
Where to Go From Here
Consciously or unconsciously you’ve implemented a strategy that prevents you from creating a deep connection with another person because you are looking for ways to cut them off.
Sure, this strategy may have saved you from wasting time with the wrong person, but it will also prevent you from realizing the right person may be right in front of you.
Here’s how you can break the cycle.
Rather than looking for ways to cut someone off, focus on things you like about them. What you focus on expands. As a result, when you focus on those good qualities, you will be more likely to communicate and resolve conflict if issues arise in the future.
All of the things you are avoiding by cutting people off are things that will leave you vulnerable and exposed. You can’t build a long, healthy relationship without vulnerability.
If you want something great, you will have to work through the scary stuff.
We have this notion that with the right person, everything will be easy. However, when you are both bringing your own baggage and counterproductive patterns along for the ride, working through those things to better understand each other will be challenging. But that’s the only way to develop a deep connection with another person.
If you want a healthy long-term relationship, you must make your personal growth and improvement a priority. You simply can’t have a list of demands for the perfect partner and not have a list of demands for yourself.
If you’ve been the one who is always cutting people off before you truly give the relationship a chance, take ownership of the fact that you’ve been avoiding the hard work. Make a commitment to work on those key skills in your next relationship.
Even if that next person is not Mr. or Mrs. Right, you’re only preparing yourself to be a great person for them when they arrive.
How to Know when to Cut Someone Off
Lastly, please don’t mistake my advice for being in a relationship longer than you should. This is about how the cut-off mindset is a cop-out for avoiding the development of skills you need to build a healthy relationship.
Jay has a great article on How to Recognize When You’re Looking at the Right Man and a podcast on Knowing When It’s Time to Let Go.