There are many pleasurable things in this world but sex with a woman you have a connection with is definitely in my top 3. The entire act of fornication was supposed to be saved until marriage (if you follow most traditional spiritual text). At least that’s what I was taught while sitting on the hard wooden pew at my church while my pastor repeatedly wagged his finger in a judgemental manner. As if to say, “Thou should not taste the sweet nectar of the flesh before doth commit a covenant before God.
As a young boy who wasn’t quite as spiritually committed as my grandmother, I was thinking…
you mean to tell me I have to wait until marriage before I get me some?
Needless to say, even though my loins were ready, my mind was not.
Waiting on Sex
I lost my virginity to an older woman when I was 19 years old and part of me wishes I had not let her take advantage of me.
Wait… I let her? I wasn’t exactly pushing her off me — so maybe that’s not taking advantage if I let her do it.
Nevertheless, there we were. I’m beyond nervous not knowing anything about what I’m supposed to be doing. After all, I was still a teenager and sexual satisfaction doesn’t equal mental or emotional readiness.
After we were done I felt something leave me. I couldn’t quite put my hands on what it was. Not it wasn’t that. Ok, it was that, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I felt like I lost something else. Not knowing what to do with what I was feeling, I compartmentalized the emotion and didn’t think about it for weeks.
Not to mention the fact that I was a virgin and didn’t tell her. As a result, my lack of experience showed and during the sexual tango (of which she led) she asked me…
Are you a virgin?
I was so embarrassed.
Approximately 15 years later and I begin to regret having sex at such a young age (and as a whole). Could it be buyer remorse because of unfulfilled sexual desires? No, that wasn’t it.
To be quite honest, based on the pros and cons, I started to realize that sex should be saved for marriage. Or, at the very least it should be saved for someone who you are deeply committed to.
There are many reasons why.
In his blog about Saving Sex for Marriage, Danny Huerta of Boundless.org says that,
Let’s face it: we live in a sex-saturated society. Sex for its own sake is the focal point of hook-up culture that permeates a majority of college campuses. To make matters worse, our society has combined this over-sexualization of culture with a trend toward delayed marriage. Financial concerns, an emphasis on advanced academic degrees, and vocational interests are persuading increasing numbers of young men and women to indefinitely postpone marriage. This is a new arrangement, and it gives rise to sexual frustration
Abstaining from sex until marriage does not guarantee a physically satisfying experience. Too often we save sex marriage under the assumption that our sex lives will be more fulfilling when we wait as God commands, but this may not always be the case. Physically satisfying sex can occur in and outside of marriage. But holy sex—sex that’s honoring to God and to your partner—that only comes within the bounds of a covenant.
When I was younger I was told (and I read) that it was wrong to fornicate but didn’t understand why. Over time, I began to see why God wanted us to wait to have sex.
Regardless, so many of us decided to climb the tree (not that tree)… the tree of desire and eat of its fruit. As a result, there is an outbreak of broken hearts, unfulfilled promises, illegitimate children, bad credit, loss of finances, STD’s & STI’s. All of which have deep roots based on sex.
Furthermore, I’m also a Life Coach and Relationship Strategist. This allows me to see dating practices and relationships from a unique perspective. I’ve watched men and women continue to have sex with a random person one night and have their hearts ripped out the very next day when one of the parties decides to ghost or has a sudden change of heart afterward.
In other words, sex was not meant to be handled so recklessly.
The Proof is in the Pudding
I believe Gods plan (if you believe in a higher being) was for us to nurture a relationship with some[one] over a period of time without sex. He knew the act would complicate things. Sex confuses and blinds you. It definitely got me — more than once. Especially when you start a relationship off with sex. That is the foundation you build on — and sometimes it does work out. However, that’s the exception… not the rule.
Bad decisions ruin relationships
That being said, really good sex can masquerade as love. For example, how many times has sex been so good that you overlooked red flags because you “loved” them? I bet most of the people reading have had that happen at least once in their lifetime. When it happened to me, she could cheat right in front of me and I was [still] sitting there like Ray Charles rocking back and forth — acting like I ain’t see sh_t.
I Should Have Waited
When I was in my early 20’s sex was my undoing a few times. What’s even crazier, I always knew there was another choice, but I typically chose the cookie (should’ve left it in the damn jar). One time I even drove 40 miles for 30 minutes of raw passion. In a similar manner, I’d drive 20 miles to get-it-in with this one woman. She was older, and I was under her spell (what was it with me and older women?). Turned-out and pus__ whopped like Marcus in Boomerang and destitute of common sense, I was on my way to her house whenever she summoned me.
To demonstrate, I screwed up a whole relationship over sex. You see, sex is a powerful weapon in the hands of the right (and wrong) person. To put it another way, waiting until marriage (or at least until you are in a committed relationship) sex can be used to establish a very special connection (and blow your spouse’s mind). However, when sex is used to manipulate — or coerce (holding out to get what you want) it can be very dangerous. Even worse, when sex has control over your actions (or lack thereof) — your logic goes right down the toilet like a used condom.
Ultimately, you don’t have to wait until marriage. I believe you should — but if you don’t want to, at least use a ton of discernment, discretion and share yourself with only the most special of individuals. There are far too many negative consequences if you do otherwise.