In a recent conversation with a group of men, and women, someone said…”love is hard.” I asked them what they meant. They said..
I’ve been through a lot over the past 5 years with men. I loved them fully, and unconditionally. Yet, I was still cheated-on. F-k love, I’m over it. It has caused me nothing but heartache, and pain. Love is just too hard. I will not suffer the loss, anger, frustration, or embarrassment again. I see why some people choose to just have casual relationships. There’s no commitment, no real love, and no hurt feelings. I think I’m going in that direction from now on.
When she told me this, I took a step back, and put myself in her shoes. I then asked myself… “is love really hard?”
Look at the above image. How hard was it to take your time, and pour slowly? The process of pouring is easy… the person pouring, made it hard. As a result, coffee is everywhere. Just like Love is easy… when we pour all our counterproductive emotions into it, we make it hard.
Love is Hard
When you define the word, “hard” it typically includes synonyms like:
All words that [could] describe feelings that we experience during the dating process, or a relationship. Trust me, I’ve been there. That being said, since we’ve all been through a myriad of those emotions, by that definition, love is definitely hard. If, you define love in that way. Meaning, are you truly defining love, or, are you defining the human element, and it’s impact on love? That is the question that begs to be answered.
The Human Element
Karla Mclaren, award-winning author, social science researcher states that, “love is not an emotion.”
Every emotion has a specific function, a specific purpose, and a specific action for you to complete so that it can move on and make room for your next emotion, your next thought, and your next idea. As we explore emotions as distinct and separate entities that require unique responses, I thought you might like to get an empathic sense for emotions by looking at something that isn’t an emotion: Love.
When an emotion is healthy, it arises only when it’s needed, it shifts and changes in response to its environment, and it recedes willingly once it has addressed an issue. When love is healthy, it does none of these things.
If emotions repeat themselves endlessly, or appear with the same exact intensity over and over again, then something’s wrong. Yet real love is a steadfast promise that repeats itself endlessly through life and beyond death. Love does not increase or decrease in response to its environment, and it does not change with the changing winds. Love is not an emotion; it doesn’t behave the way emotions do. Real love is in a category of its own.
Those things we’ve learned to equate with love – the longing, the physical attraction, the shared hobbies, the desire, the yearning, the lust, the projections, the addictive cycles, the passions – those things move and change and fluctuate in the way emotions do, but they’re not love, because love is utterly stable and utterly unaffected by any emotion. When we love truly, we can experience all our free-flowing, mood state, and intense emotions (including fear, rage, hatred, grief, and shame) while continuing to love and honor our loved ones. Love isn’t the opposite of fear, or anger, or any other emotion. Love is much, much deeper than that.
Karla touches on a critical point about love.
When we love truly, we can experience all our free-flowing, mood state, and intense emotions (including fear, rage, hatred, grief, and shame) while continuing to love and honor our loved ones. Love isn’t the opposite of fear, or anger, or any other emotion. Love is much, much deeper than that.
Have you ever been upset with someone and stopped doing the things you normally would do? Like, cooking, cleaning, catering, kissing them, or showing affections? “Love is much deeper than that.” This is the human element impacting your relationship. Not love. We often confuse our own insecurities, instabilities, anxieties, apprehension, misconceptions, and shortcomings, for love. Or, at the very least, we throw all of it in one bag. Then, when things don’t work out (or go our way), we say… “love is hard.”
This is human emotion directly impacting the way we view love. However, love is not shifting, it is constant, and doesn’t change its position. We are the ones that move it. But like the Law of Conservation of Energy states…
Energy cannot be created or destroyed, but only changed from one form into another or transferred from one object to another.
In other words, love is energy… it is constant, and doesn’t change. It is transferred from one relationship, (or person) to another.
Love is Easy
We make it hard.
- Changing the way we love (giver) because we gave to the wrong person. Make better decisions on who you give your all to.
- Automatically comparing past experiences to current ones (even though this person is different)
- Walking into a relationship with insecurities (and expecting the new person to fix them, or prove themselves to you)
- Withholding love, or affections because of a disagreement, or misunderstanding
- Over-thinking (or over-analyzing) a situation
- Placing unrealistic expectations on your partner
- Communicating the way you’re most comfortable, not the way that’s best for the team
- Introducing romance too quickly, instead of getting to know them better beforehand
- Holding back because of a past experience. Making the new person work extra hard for someone else’s mistakes
- Listening to bad advice
- Stubbornness, pettiness, and being spiteful.
- Holding onto your pride, and ego
- “Loving” someone the way [you] want to love them, not the way they perceive, and feel love (IE; their love language)
- Infidelity, dishonesty, “white lies.”
- Concerning yourself with what others think about your relationship (or your mate)
- Thinking the other person must “match” you. (not understanding your relationship style)
- Unrealistic (or hard to meet demands)
- Expecting more than you offer
- Fear (thinking he/she is too good to be true)
- Selfishness (going into the relationship to be pleased, or done-for) vs giving
- Career, and personal goals take priority over your mate
When You Think About it
If you have exhibited any of the above behaviors, you have made love complex. You made love hard. When two people are truly ready, and committed to the overall goals of the team, your relationship will (mostly) be devoid of these emotions, and actions. Since the human element is always there, you will see occurrences of the above. The difference between a couple that exhibits these behaviors consistently, and one that does not, is how frequent they occur, and the impact said behaviors have on their relationship. An example of this, is a couple that has a major disagreement. How do they handle it? The couple that makes love hard will not speak to each other. They will make it worse. A couple that makes love easy… will communicate effectively, drop their pride and ego, and create a solution that works for the team.
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Also, check out my podcast on love dating and relationships.