This is an excerpt from the BizarreLoveTriangleBlog
If you’d like to read the original post, click the top link.
I love the transparency, and honestly in this blog. A lot of people (not just women) go through these same emotions (I have as well).
We should never be apologetic for healing through this process. However, we should always be conscious to anything that is counterproductive to our goals.
More accurately, I am single again.
In a nutshell, because my ex-husband is an alcoholic and prescription pill addict and my marriage had devolved into an almost completely sexless and affection-less marriage. To a compulsive liar and compulsive spender. He was unwilling to seek treatment, and when I gave him the “treatment or divorce” ultimatum, he chose divorce.
The longer answer is a bit more complicated. I don’t think I’m what men want. I don’t put out easily. I’m a complete nerd. I’m an introvert. I out-earn most men I know and I think many are intimidated by my success. I am demanding and have high standards. I take awhile to warm up to people so I think they think I am standoffish. And most men don’t really like my idea of a fun vacation.
Combined with the fact that I don’t date anyone I meet through work, or that I meet through someone I met through work, and the fact that my town is a wasteland for single men within 25 years of my age. Add that to the fact that I don’t want to date another drunk, or an asshole, or an arrogant piece of shit. And that’s a lot of men. I guess when you remove all those men from the picture, the likelihood of a single, emotionally available man meeting the criteria is probably more rare than a purple fucking unicorn.
I fully expect that I will never marry again.
So I guess that about sums it up…
I want to focus on the 3rd paragraph. She said, “I don’t think I’m what men want,” and goes on to explain why she feels this way. Being a nerd, introverted, making more money than a man, and intimidation are reasons I’ve heard before from all different types of women. Then of course there’s the, “high standards.” I can definitely appreciate that she takes is slow and doesn’t, “put-out,” easily.
First, there is nothing wrong with being a nerd, or an introvert. Smart and Intelligent women are extremely attractive, and—not everyone is created to be this outgoing, extroverted, socialite. Even I have a bit of introvert in me. In order to be an effective writer, there has to be a little introvert inside me. The man she chooses—should embrace that about her. However, she should also take a step outside her box from time-to-time, if he’s willing to accept that aspect of her personality.
It isn’t intimidation it’s insecurity
She believes that men are, “intimidated” by her success (wage), high-standards, and semi-permeable nether regions. Well, there [are] men that are intimidated by women who are successful. Usually those men are insecure because they are not where they want to be in life. They use a woman’s success as a measuring stick for their failures or slow-progress. These men have also been taught, and socialized that part of being a man means, being the provider. When you make more than he does, he begins to, “ego trip.” This behavior has been programmed in him since he was a little boy. These men need to take some time to reset, and re-learn.
What about my nether-regions?
Well honestly… most men are going to try to get in your pants. I believe women are disillusioned when they think that a man won’t try or think this. Or, that they can find a man that has quieted his private parts to the sound a feather makes when it hits the ground. Not gonna happen. That being said, it’s actually natural. The problem occurs when that is the [only] thing a man wants.
Demanding and high standards
Ahhh… the famous standards statement, and demanding personality.
Do you expect him to act, and think as you would? If so, that’s the first mistake. Second, where did these standards come from? I believe that standards have been overblown in American culture.
Yes, you need to have a baseline to work from. However, we tend to set up a long list of standards and requirements before we’ve even met the person. He should be this way, and do things that way. A little unfair don’t you think? Why not flow with your baseline? Meaning, set your minimum standards, and after that, let things develop between the two of you. Instead of closing your heart and mind off because you’ve set up this list of standards and expectations that most men won’t meet.
Are your standards realistic?
This question always seems to offend someone. They believe everything they want can be realistically obtained. The follow-up question is always, “why do I have to lower my standards?” My question would be, “Are you really lowering them?”
Try this, exercise. Make a list of your wants, and your needs. In the left column write your needs. In the right column write your wants. Be completely honest about them or this won’t work.
Wants are defined as things that are not essential to your well-being (or happiness).
Needs are defined as things that are required, essential, or mandatory.
Once you’re done, fold the paper in half and only look at the side with the needs listed.
This is your baseline. Anything after that is a—want, and not essential to your happiness.
Quality men aren’t unicorns
It really depends on what we’re truly looking for.
“I don’t date anyone I meet through work, or that I meet through someone I met through work. The fact that my town is a wasteland for single men within 25 years of my age. Add that to the fact that I don’t want to date another drunk, or an asshole, or an arrogant piece of shit.”
I completely understand the work part, and why she wouldn’t want to date a drunk or an arrogant, “piece of shit.” But for the life of me, I can’t understand why she wouldn’t want to date an asshole.
Seriously, I don’t see anything wrong with what she’s looking for here.
The only part that I believe is counterproductive is the statement about quality men being unicorns, and the fact that she expects to never marry again. Maybe she’s still dealing with the demise of her marriage. If that’s the case, she needs to take time away from dating and heal herself, mentally and emotionally. If she hasn’t done the work to prepare herself for dating, she will constantly run into the same type of men, and end with the same outcome.
Through adversity (divorce) comes growth. Use this time to evolve into a better person that makes better choices in men.
Stepping off my soapbox…
When we make negative statements, we are prophetically speaking that energy into our life. We don’t want to be single, but make negative statements about being in a relationship, dating, or the opposite sex. Don’t feed in! The key is to always stay positive, even when it’s hard. Always surround yourself with positive people, go to positive places, and do positive things. As a result, through healing, and positive actions, she will see a different type of man approach her.