When it comes to cheating in a relationship, I believe we all have cheated in some form or fashion. It could happen with your mind, heart, or body.
Cheating is probably the most common display of weakness in a relationship. We all have our reasons and excuses for cheating. We’ve all done it. Some say, “I’ve never cheated.” I don’t agree. As humans we inherently look for the, “B.B.D.” Bigger, better, deal. Or if we feel neglected we become weakened emotionally and that makes it easier for someone else to step into a previously impenetrable square and have our minds and/or body for the moment. In some cases, even longer.
Obviously you can’t omit the weakest form of cheating… Lust. You know the word. As a man, you see that fatty in tight denim or a short skirt or you see those boobs in a low-cut top showing cleavage. And as a result, you immediately you begin to lust after her.
FYI, lusting is cheating
Why is he cheating?
I’m definitely not advocating for cheaters in any way, shape or form. But I do understand the root causes. Men cheat for various reasons.
- We are lusting
- We like variety
- We feel neglected
- The sex isn’t good enough at home
- We’re bored or mentally and emotionally done with our current relationship, we just haven’t officially ended it.
- We like something(s) about you,(money, sex, attention, conversation) but we don’t like you enough to call you our one-and-only. So we keep you around until we find someone that possesses the characteristics we want.
I’m giving away all our secrets here, but I don’t believe in cheating in any form. No matter what the reason is, cheating is wrong. If you feel the need to cheat on someone you care about, you need to move on. I’ve been cheated on a few times, and the pain you feel when you find out is extreme. If you really care about her, let her go before you cheat.
Either that, or learn some loin control.
Sex has slowed to a crawl or doesn’t happen at all
If you started off having sex with this man and the passion has suddenly stopped… you may want to start asking questions about why. Most men do not like being accused of things. So you have to present the questions in a way that doesn’t feel accusatory. Such as, “We haven’t had sex is a while, and I really don’t know why.” Not a question, but a statement. You’re taking accountability, but what you’re really doing is searching for answers. You can decide a lot based on his response.
He always has his phone on silent
This one could go either way, but in many cases, men who keep their phones on silent when they’re in a relationship are trying to hide something. By silent, I mean, no notifications. Email, text or social media… nothing. His phone doesn’t even vibrate.
He carries his phone around with him everywhere
Even to the bathroom! Really? Everywhere? The kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, at picnics, while shaving, when he’s washing the dog… C’mon!
He never leaves the phone lying around where you might catch a glimpse of who is calling. And if he does leave it lying around, it’s [always] face-down.
Lord forbid that phone light up, he will turn his body away from you, or shift his phone where you can’t see the screen. Or, the most obvious sign, he leaves the room. Or, he will just leave the house to, “go to the store,” or “go for a walk,” to talk to the other woman.
Whispering while talking on the phone
Yeah… why would any man need to whisper on the phone? Need I say more?
He has multiple personal phones
In today’s busy business world, I can see why anyone would have a need for two phones. However, you know your man and what his career is. If he’s an entrepreneur, or in some type of leadership role at his job, two phones seem justifiable (if one is a business phone). However, if he isn’t doing any of the above, why does he have two personal phones? That’s a question you definitely need to ask.
You’ve never been to his house
This one is obvious. If a man takes you seriously, and he hasn’t invited to his house, you really need to ask him why. Men are territorial. We prefer for you be at our house vs. us being over your home. If he lives with a woman that’s not his sister, mother, cousin or aunt, then you need to invite yourself over by telling him, “Let’s have a date night at your spot tonight.” Or, start the conversation off with, “What are you up too?” If he says, “I’m at home.” Then you say…”I was in the area and wanted to stop by.” Oh yeah… the response you get after that will tell you a lot about his current living situation.
Also, if you haven’t met the woman he lives with, there is a reason for that. You should ask.
Pay attention to the environment when visiting his home
So he’s finally invited you over. Great! But now that you’re there, pay attention to a few things.
- The decor in his home.
- Photos (if you see a younger woman in a photo, ask who she is, but ask about other photos before that so you won’t seem like you’re digging)
- When you’re in the bathroom, see (not snoop around). If you see two toothbrushes, or two wet towels, you have to raise an eyebrow. Now you’re at that point where you’re wondering if he’s cheating, so you need answers and he’s not giving them to you. So I wouldn’t be against pulling that shower curtain back and looking to see how many face cloths there are, or if there are any feminine body products lying around.
- Is he constantly looking at his phone or looking out of the window? Pay close attention.
He always sees you late at night
This one could be a toss-up. But I tend to think that a man has an opening when the sun is up from time to time.
He never spends the night
Or, he has to leave (or you need to leave) by a certain time.
If this continues to happen, you really have to question what’s going on. Why can’t you spend the night from time to time? A man who is not having a secret affair, or a man who’s not married, will have no problem staying over.
He never introduces you to his friends
Could mean he’s married or has a girlfriend and doesn’t want his friends to ridicule him about his philandering. Or he’s really not that into you. Regardless, you need to cut him from the team.
He never takes you out in public
He’s either embarrassed being around you, which doesn’t make any sense to me when he could simply walk away. Or, he doesn’t want to be seen in public with you because he’s married or in a relationship. So 90% of your interactions are at his or your house.
He never introduces you as his girlfriend
If a man always calls you his, “friend,” then that’s what you are to him. If he brings you around his friends or peers, or if he runs into someone and introduces you as his, “friend,” and you’ve been “exclusive for a while, he either has a real girlfriend he’s calling his [girlfriend], or he cheating with someone and doesn’t want the world to know you are his woman. You literally could be the side-piece, not the main course.
He won’t friend you on any social media platforms
This one is also a toss-up, but in most cases, people who date have met or interacted on social media at some point. Or they’ve friended each other a the very least. If he doesn’t want to add you, or he refuses to change the status on his page to, “in a relationship,” you may want to raise your eyebrow. But understand, just because he doesn’t want to do it, doesn’t mean he’s cheating. He may just not want you on his page for whatever his reasons.
He has multiple women he calls, “sisters.”
How many times have you heard the phrase, “She’s like my sister.” This is definitely true in some cases. But in many cases, they’ve either already had sex, they’ve considered it or they are doing it. Depending on where you are in your relationship, you may want to lay down some boundaries for their relationship. If he’s truly invested in what you two have, he will at least compromise. Compromise is good… saying no, is a red flag.
He never answers his phone when you call
This one is what I call obvious. There are always exceptions to every rule, but in this case, when a man doesn’t answer his phone on a consistent basis, he’s probably with another woman, or he’s not that into you. Some men don’t like to talk on the phone all the time (like me) but I will make time to talk to you regardless. If he isn’t answering and constantly sends you to voicemail, you should begin to ask questions.
He goes to events alone and never invites you
So, you’re dating someone seriously, or in a relationship with them and they don’t bring you to any parties, lounges, bars or other events, yeah… they are cheating. If he really likes you, he will want to show you off to his friends and peers. Not bringing you is a sign of him wanting to act like he’s single so he can either spend time with another woman, or flirt with new women.
He comes home late often
This is another one where you have to know your man. Some men work late hours. Some men have other activities after work. Even I go to the gym about 4-5 times per week and don’t leave until after 9. But again, my lady would know this about me already and would be secure knowing that’s where I am. However, if you’re man isn’t like me, or has other activities after work, and he still comes in late at night, you may want to start paying closer attention to what he’s doing.
When you have sex, he isn’t pleased
As a woman you have to assess this on a case by cases basis. A man’s sexual drive can shut down for a few reasons.
- Work and stress
- Adversity in his life
- Another woman
- Physical inadequacies
- You are not pleasing him
If he’s doing 3 or 4 he’s clearly cheating. Sleeping with other women can turn a man off to the woman he’s in a relationship with. However, porn is a different story. Porn has its uses in relationships (if you’re into that sort of thing). But, it can also hurt your relationship when a mad sees what these porn stars do in these videos. Not only through action, but a porn star’s body can also create an unrealistic expectation of what a woman should look like. As a result, he’s spending a lot of time on porn sites fantasizing over a woman not named you. This is porn addiction.
Next thing you know, he’s not reaching his climax and lying about it, saying he did when he didn’t. He’s spending extra time in the bathroom, the toilet paper and paper towels are running out a lot quicker than normal and you’re frustrated. You may want to have that tough conversation with him. There are men addicted to porn and don’t even know it. Porn is definitely the gift and the curse.
He suddenly cares about his physical appearance and hygiene
Your man really doesn’t work out, and all of a sudden he decide he needs to get in shape. It doesn’t mean he’s cheating. But it does set off a few alarms. When you have trust in your relationship, this shouldn’t set off ANY alarms. Nothing wrong with wanting to get back into shape. However, you should check his progress, and see if he’s showing any of the above signs with this one. Then you should raise your eyebrow.
He becomes defensive
Someone with nothing to hide is slow to anger. Someone [with] something to hide will become defensive when you ask them about their whereabouts on June 21st at 9:00 pm. Or if you ask them why they all of a sudden want to get in shape. A man’s reaction is very telling about what he’s doing.
He seems to always have to take, “business trips.”
Business travel is perfect cover for an affair. They are the perfect setting for extra-marital affairs or infidelity. It’s a break away from the wife or girlfriend. She can’t bust in on you, she can’t catch you in the act, and you don’t have to look out for her. You’re out-of-town on, “business,” as far as she knows.
It could be a legit business trip. But that doesn’t mean he’s not cheating with his admin or some other co-worker.
These trips are the most common settings for infidelity, according to “The Normal Bar” by Chrisanna Northrup, Pepper Schwartz and James Witte; 36 percent of men and 13 percent of women told the authors that they gave into temptation while on a business trip — even if they said they were happily married.
(source: Huffington Post)
After All of That
Remember, these are simply signs, not rules to live by and not facts. You as the woman have to know your man and his rhythm. Always be in sync with what he does and how he does it.
You don’t want to fall for the banana in the tailpipe, so keep your eyes open and raise your awareness. Don’t become Veronica Mars or else you may upset an otherwise loyal man. But if your man begins to show a few of these signs, you may want to, at the very least pull out your magnifying glass.